No Time Like The "Present"

As this year's Christmas draws to a close, I thought that perhaps I should reflect on the lessons I have learned from it.  As with any holiday or day of the week, I have learned that you should always be relaxed when divulging your inner most thoughts or rants.   So the quickest way to the inner peace is by drinking delicious, mind numbing yet good for the heart, red wine.  While drinking, if you feel the need to do a little downward dog or any variation of your favorite yoga pose, just be sure to set the glass down first.  No need for any unnecessary fatalities.  By fatality of course I mean, spilled wine.  This tip can also be useful in other wine consuming situations such as sex, walking the dog, vacuuming or basically any activity where you are drinking and not just sitting down.
Oh that reminds me, all this typing and drinking makes for a quickly emptied glass.  Bare with me while I fill 'er up!

I apologize for getting a bit off track there for just a moment but we all know that the topic of Merlot safety is one that should never be taken lightly.  That said, let's continue shall we?  As I began to say, I would like to share the lesson I have quickly learned this Christmas.  When I paid Santa that last visit recently to discuss my new dating strategy, I had no idea that he would act on it so vehemently!  No sooner did I swallow the last piece of miniature candy cane given to me by one of his elves, did I go out on a first date with a not so good looking chap.

This particular experiment's name was Corey (not really, but it's not worth getting sued over).  He is 6'3", caucasian, 47 years old, full head of short brown hair, nicely built (not too big, not too small), and a full set of teeth.  Are you wondering why I called him "not so good looking" yet?  I will get to it.  Just be patient and take another sip or gulp, you choose.  Corey has a great job that takes him up north to another state for two weeks at a time then home for two weeks off that seems to pay very well.  He has never been married and has no children.  He owns his current home and has a car.  You might think that having a car shouldn't get you dating points but trust me, it does!  Do you really want to be picked up for a date on Schwinn 10 speed and riding on the handle bars or sitting piggy back on a 30 mph moped?   When you total these details up you would think that he was a suitable candidate even though he carried a cell phone that was not only a flip version but might have just been the original flip phone.  Still, an ancient mobile device wasn't enough to detour me from my quest to find a mate.  We met at a low lit public place that was a log cabin type of tavern.  He had arrived 30 minutes early and I was there right on time.  I greeted him and sat down across the table from Corey and saw that there were 4 empty beer glasses as well as one half empty (or half full, depends on how you look at it) properly lined up in front of him.  Not to worry, I am not about to prove that I am a hypocrite.  For one who possesses a strong desire for red wine, I did not look down on him for the amount of beer he clearly chugged down prior to my arrival.    He was wearing a pair of dark sweat pants, sneakers, a light colored sweatshirt and a wind breaker jacket which bared the logo of a local casino.  Okay so it was a clear cut case of a wardrobe malfunction but I still refused to take him out of the running because if things were actually to progress between us, I could always help (change) his wardrobe.  

Let's pause for the cause.  My mouth is dry and there is nothing thirst quenching about an empty glass.

 If you have been keeping track you'll know that this 47 year old is good on paper, likes to drink beer and either picks out his clothes in the dark or hasn't been taught proper wardrobe etiquette in this century.  The conversation was off to a running start.  He not only went into further detail of his job but also included his upbringing in a small town and how his parents are also second cousins.  No, I am not kidding.  I would have spit up my wine at that moment but we all know how I feel about being wasteful.  The conversation quickly shifted into religion.  Stop laughing, I am not the one who brought it up!  Seeing as how my family houses Catholics, Jews, Mormons and a few back slidden Christians, there wasn't much he could say that I haven't already heard.  I grew up in a potpourri of religion in my home and nowadays I only pray to the grape infused Gods.  Next topic was about his job, again.  

After the third round of "This is my job and this is what I do", I decided it was time to go.  I am sure you have noticed that I never mentioned his face and there is a good reason for that.  I am sure that plenty of women would find him attractive but I was not one of them.  There is not enough alcohol for me to be able to describe it.  Needless to say, I was looking around a lot during that date.  I did give it a good effort and really tried to imagine that if over time, I could be attracted to him.  Bottom line is there was no spark.  Not even a flicker.  Nothing.  (Nada, for the Latin audience). Before he could indulge me into another round of my job is cool and this is how cool I am when I do it, I suggested that it was time to go.  He paid the bill and we walked out to the parking lot and to my car.  He gave me a hug and asked if he could take me out again this week before leaving for work out of town this weekend.  I gave it a thought and told him yes I would.  The only reason I agreed to this was I really wanted to give this no spark dating an old fashioned college try.  The next day I sent a text saying hello and bla bla bla and still days later, no response.  Am I disappointed, irritated and pissed off?  The answer would be a hearty "HELL NO!"   In a different situation I might be offended by the lack of response but in this case, I feel as though he did me a favor.  I didn't want to go out again but I was open to the idea of getting involved with a man with whom I couldn't look at sober or inebriated.  

So as my final glass of liquid joy empties and another one date wonder draws to a close, let's reflect on what I have learned:

1.  Santa Clause took me too literally this year.
2.  No amount of alcohol can make someone attractive.
3.  Good on paper does not make your face more appealing.
4.  A spark is very important (but only you can prevent forest fires)
5.  Chances are that when your parents are related, you and I won't be having a second date.

Thank you dear jolly fat man in the big red suit for not only giving me a Christmas present so soon but also giving me the gift of a lesson.  The lesson being that when dating, it is okay to want certain things out of a man including attraction.  

We have a new year approaching which means more reason to eat, drink, be merry and drink a bit more!  Happy 2014 and Cheers!